


dealing with your demons

by elektra (unionjackblonde)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Physical Therapy, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Rehabilitation, this is mostly a stormpilot fic but it's also kind of a character study for finn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-12
Updated: 2016-02-18
Packaged: 2018-05-13 09:48:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5703226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unionjackblonde/pseuds/elektra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Growing up in the First Order made pain a constant, and Finn is having trouble putting it behind him. Plagued with nightmares and panic attacks, Finn's past continues to hurt him. It doesn't help that Kylo Ren's lightsaber has him hospitalized and in constant pain, struggling to even walk. It's far from the only injury he's ever had to recover from, but it's arguably the worst. Although the real difference is that he doesn't have to do it alone anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are lots of stormpilot recovery fics going around, but I wanted to write one that went more in depth about the pain Finn has gone through, both physical and psychological.
> 
> The title is from this very fitting verse of Kitchen Sink by Twenty One Pilots:
> 
> "No one else is dealing with your demons  
> Meaning maybe defeating them  
> Could be the beginning of your meaning, friend."

Finn felt the heat of the lightsaber before anything else. Prickles of warmth that were out of place in the the cold and snowy terrain were short lived as the dull heat turned into a blistering, searing hot force that knocked him into the snow. His skin felt like it was ablaze, so hot it barely even felt like heat anymore. It was just pain. It dug into his back, crawling it’s way inside of him, spreading throughout his entire body. The agony seemed to short circuit his brain, not allowing him to think. He could only feel, completely unaware of his surroundings. He could barely even process the wet snow pressing into him, freezing his body. His consciousness lasted only a few seconds, before his mind drifted, releasing him from the pain.

When Finn woke again, he was surprised. He thought his last experience would be trapped in the snow, body and mind broken. Now able to form coherent thoughts, he could hardly believe he was still alive.

His eyes felt like they were glued shut, but he pried them open anyway. He was met with bright, artificial light that made his eyes sting. His ears were ringing, and his back hurt like hell. He definitely didn’t feel good, but he did feel a million times better than when he had been lying in the snow, expecting death to swallow him.

When his eyes finally adjusted to the harsh lighting, he found that the walls of the room he was in belonged to some sort of infirmary or medbay.

“Finn, buddy? You’re awake!”

Finn tilted his head to the side to stare up at the smiling, although tired-looking, face of none other than Poe Dameron.

He moved to try and sit up, but he that triggered a horrible pain in his back. Poe moved to help him. It was quite a production just for the simple task of sitting up, but it proved successful.

“How are you feeling? Should I get a med-droid in here?” Poe asked, his face switching from excitement to concern. He turned towards a wall full of buttons, one with the purpose of calling in a medical droid. He surveyed the wall with a blank stare, “Uh, actually, I’m not sure-”

“It’s fine. I’m fine. I mean I’m not fine, but I’m sort of fine-”

Poe turned back to him, resting his hand on Finn’s shoulder, “Hey, it’s alright. You’ve been through a lot. You don’t have to be fine.”

Finn paused, not truly believing Poe’s words, but appreciating them all the same. In the First Order, you always had to be fine. You didn’t get time to be upset or be hurt because you had a job to do. Sure, the First Order was twisted and messed up, but that didn’t mean they were wrong in that respect. Finn should have been there to help Rey, but he wasn’t. He had been useless.

“What happened? Is Rey okay?” Finn asked, taking great comfort in Poe’s grip on shoulder, even if it was only a small gesture. He didn’t have much experience with people caring for him or trying to make him feel better. He liked it.

“Don’t worry, Rey is fine. She’s on a mission to go find Luke Skywalker, but I don’t really know when she’ll be back. I’ll ask around, yeah? As for what happened, the official word is that Kylo Ren escaped, but not unscathed. Unofficial word is that Rey totally kicked his ass.” Poe grinned at that. Rey was something else. But then again, so was Finn. Here he was, sitting very much alive after taking a lightsaber to the back. After fighting to keep his friend safe. Not bad for a stormtrooper.

At some point Poe had started rubbing his thumb against Finn’s shoulder. Finn took great comfort in it, focusing in on the rhythm of if moving back and forth. He felt safe and connected, to the world and to Poe.

Finn stared up Poe, who was smiling softly, “Did you- were you waiting for me to wake up?”

Poe shrugged, a little sheepishly, “It was nothing.”

“Thank you,” Finn said. “You don’t know much it means to me to have someone who cares. I never thought, it never even occurred to me that I could have friends, or would even want them. But they’re… They’re amazing.”

“Well, that’s… I, uh, thanks,” Poe said, slightly taken aback. Unsure of what else to say, he brought an end to whatever moment they were having with, “Hey, are you hungry? I can try and figure out which one these buttons brings food, and you probably really should get checked over by the med-droid.”

Finn grinned, “Sounds good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will probably have somewhere from 3-5 chapters, but who knows, it could go anywhere! I hope you enjoyed the first chapter! If you did please consider checking out my tumblr (where you can request prompts for any fandom if you so desire): redeadpool.tumblr.com
> 
> All feedback is welcomed and encouraged :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess I should mention the updates will be random and spaced out. I might do the next chapter much quicker than I did this one. I'm a procrastinator, sorry.

The next few days were filled with various med-droids assaulting him with needles, lots of sleeping, many visits from people he didn’t know thanking him for what he did (because he felt like such a hero for getting put into a coma) and staring at the ceiling, itching to do something. He was always counting the minutes until Poe was alleviated from his duties and could come by and visit him. Everyday at five o’ six Poe came in, still in his orange uniform with his helmet under his arm.

“Hey, buddy, what’d you do today?” he would ask, slightly out of breath, as if he had run all the way to the infirmary from the tarmac.

“What do you think?” he’d answer, his voice not bitter, simply tired. He just wanted to get up. To walk. But every time he tried to get out of his bed, a med-droid would come out of nowhere and start beeping at him like crazy.

Finn never really liked droids. They freaked him out, always beeping at you angrily like you’re supposed to understand. It gave him anxiety, to be perfectly honest. Although BB-8 was growing on him rather quickly.

Poe would talk a lot and Finn would mostly listen. Finn didn’t feel like talking as much as he used to. He used to crave conversation, to scratch at his skin waiting for the allotted times to socialize. Now, he was allowed to talk to people as much as wanted, but it felt like somebody had ripped his words right out of his throat.

He didn’t know why he felt that way. Why everything was suddenly different. He tried to forget about it, tried to take comfort in listening to others speak. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t.

Six days after Finn had awaken, he didn’t feel so bad. Whatever they were pumping into his veins had made the pain a distant ache, and Poe was being particularly interesting.

He was sitting crossed legged on the end of Finn’s bed, with BB-8 in his lap. As he talked, he petted BB-8’s head, giving them striking resemblance to a dog. Finn couldn’t help but laugh.

When Finn laughed, Poe’s face lit up. When Finn was happy, it made Poe happy. Poe always seemed to be happy on some level, and that made Finn happy too.

“How’s your pain today?” Poe asked, fingers playing around with BB-8’s antenna, who was beeping excessively (in protest or compassion, Finn didn’t know).

“I can hardly feel it, actually. In fact, I think I’m ready to get up and walk.”

“See, I don’t know if that’s true, or if you’re just pretending like on Tuesday when you nearly face planted.”

The sides of Finn’s mouth twitched, “Okay, so I wasn’t ready to walk yet. But I think I am now! I mean, it hurts less. And I, uh, I’m not just saying that this time. Really, I feel a lot better.”

“Alright, well, let’s get a doctor in here. One that’s not a droid. They’ll tell us what we should do.” Poe started looking for the call button on the panel next to the bed that he had completely skipped over on the first day.

Finn felt his chest tighten. Not in the bad way like when he was scared or anxious, but in a good way. He didn’t know why. All he could think about was the way Poe said we. Finn had never been a we before. Sure, he’d been part of something big in the First Order, but that wasn't a family.

What he felt for Poe and Rey, it felt like family. Maybe he hadn’t known them for that long, but it was easy to get attached to people when he’d never had real friends before. Maybe they weren’t quite a family yet, but he had real hope that they would be.

Rey felt like a sister already. Poe felt like… Well, Finn didn’t know what Poe was to him. All he knew was that he liked Poe. A lot.

“Ah! There’s the button! You’d think after learning how to use all those buttons and switches on my starfighter I’d be a little better at this. Ah, well.” He pressed a bright green button, then turned back to Finn.

“So, how are you holding up?” Poe asked.

Finn frowned, “I just said, it’s really not hurting--”

“Oh, that wasn’t clear, sorry. I meant, how are feeling up here.” Poe tapped the side of his head and gave a small smile.

“Oh.” Finn paused, maybe for a little too long.

“Finn?”

Finn refocused in on the world, looking up at Poe’s concerned face.

“Well, I’m going kind of crazy being stuck in here, not allowed to use my legs. Other than that, I guess I’m good. Just a little… Different.”

“Different?”

“I just feel a little disoriented, and I’m always tired. And… There’s the nightmares.”

“Nightmares? I mean, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but it might be-”

“It’s okay. I have them every time I fall asleep. Sometimes, I’m back in the First Order. Still trapped. Never allowed to leave. I mess up, we’re doing hand-to-hand and I suck at hand-to-hand. That’s not okay, it’s never okay. I can’t be bad at something. I have to be the perfect soldier. They take out that horrible device, it claws onto your neck and they tell it how much electricity to force through you. They-- it’s-- it’s horrible, and it doesn’t stop it, they just keep--”

Finn felt Poe’s hands tighten around his shoulders.

“Finn, hey, it’s okay.” Poe’s voice was soft. Finn had never heard such a sweet, calming voice. “We’re not going to let them get you again. We’ll protect you. All of us, we’ll never let them take you from us. I’ve--We’ve got you.”

Finn nodded, but he couldn’t find it in himself to speak. Instead, he laid his head on Poe’s shoulder.

Maybe he was even less alright than he thought he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully you enjoyed the pain of this chapter. I felt so bad for Finn as I was writing it. If you did enjoy this chapter, please consider checking out my tumblr (where you can request prompts for any fandom if you so desire): redeadpool.tumblr.com
> 
> All feedback is welcomed and encouraged :)


End file.
